“I found myself dumped in the bacteria filled wading pool of singledom, at the end of a seven year waterslide of serial monogamy. I had somehow managed to slide from one relationship to the next, always knowing where my next emotional meal was coming from, but now my heart was homeless. I was standing in Speedos on the icy deck of the singles scene – haunted by Catholic guilt, exposed, neurotic, broke, depressed and desperately horny. I was going to fit right in.

I discovered a communication loophole when I began to frequent an open-mic poetry night. Little did I realise but like most art scenes, the gig was just a shopfront for an in-house debauch-fest of idiosyncratic mess-ups. As a performer, material became ‘ice-breaker spam’ for the introflirted audience. These nights provided an anaesthetised entry into the neon cauldron of the uncommitted, as I honed the use of my ‘Greydar’ to find girls as lonely as me.

What initially perplexed me was the way I’d turn into Disclaimer Boy. Disclaimer Boy’s trademark move was rescuing the situation through a devastating combination of apologies and explanations. “I don’t normally do this kind of thing.” (CRASH!). “I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.” (KAPOW!).“ “I can’t handle a relationship at the moment.” (WHAP!). Disclaimer boy would often find that by saying he wasn’t serious about the situation, he gave the situation a graven gravity. It was also revealed to him by his arch-nemeses ‘Clarity Girl’ that he probably would have a relationship if he found the right person, and that he was really saying ‘It’s you I don’t want a relationship with, you indie slapper.’ (OUCH!)

As the mouse of morning stirs, the gummy window of your mind maximises, followed by the familiar catchcry of ‘Nude, where’s my clothes?’ Many people successfully avoid their breakfast of regret flakes by nicking off in the early hours. I could never do this, due to my other superhero Ex-Christian Sense Of Guilt Nice-Guy Man. This often led to some truly awkward half-hugs in the kitchen, followed by the mutual appearance of urgent things to do.

They say sex is never devoid of emotion, I would agree, but add that most bars offer a great range of heart tranquilisers. The truth is, it’s not for everyone but, as the comic says: Is it a laugh? Is it a cry? No…yes…maybe? It’s Captain Experiment! Figures sold Desperately.”

thanks man, i'm a fan of your work.

thanks man, i'm a fan of your work.