Low Self-Approval or Low Self-Esteem?

Posted at May 25, 2008

I think what you NAME things matters a great deal. One of the problems with innovating is you are stuck with the vocabulary of the system/environment… We have a VERY extensive vocabulary in Pick-Up.

But, I think much of it is extremely inaccurate.

LSE or Low Self-Esteem is one such word. It SEEMS to describe a personality trait (or function/behavior) but it is really not descriptive.

I’ve been telling friends/puas/students for awhile now to NOTICE how MOST of the people at bars are LSE. In EVERY instance I’ve shared it they have come back to me saying something like this, “Holy shit man! How the fuck did I miss that?”

The reason lies in the concept and the vocabulary. It has NOTHING to do with esteem.

Here’s the dictionary def:

–noun
1. a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

WTF does that mean? Sure we can think we know what it means but it is so ultimately non-descriptive that when you try to dig deeper into solutions you quickly discover how meaningless it is.

There is, however, an often used phrase in The Community that is more functional and more descriptive than LSE. In fact, if I had it my way I’d say let’s strike LSE out of the Canon and just use Approval Seeking or Seeking Approval.

That’s right on the fucking money.

Everybody is Seeking Approval. And, when do you feel more approved of than when a member of the opposite sex wants to have sex with you?

Letting the girl KNOW you APPROVE OF her as a female and APPROVE OF her as a sexual being is the end-all of Sexual Framing.

Here’s the kicker.

Think about a time when you did something you felt proud of yourself about… something you really gave yourself a nice big pat on the back about. Maybe you felt great when graduated college… Got a promotion at work… Got a girl you thought was out of your league…

Now, ask yourself where did those feelings come from (literally)?

Inside you.

If you weren’t feeling them one second and you were the next second, where did they REALLY come from?

You.

So, who gave you the Approval?

You did.

If you gave yourself the Approval, who was holding the Approval away?

You were.

We’ve been conditioned by Society to get approval OUTSIDE. Of course. How else could you Mass Control everyone?

If everyone gave themselves approval they would give everyone else approval, too. This would SEVERELY reduce all other problems. People who approve of themselves DO NOT do destructive things.

(The mind, being linear, treats other people like you treat yourself and vice versa.)

On the other side, can you see that you’ve been giving yourself disapproval? And, because you’ve been disapproving of yourself it has caused an intense craving for approval inside you?

And, knowing yourself intimately, could you see how someone else (a complete stranger) would be hesitant to give you approval IF your behavior, speech, mannerisms and body language gave them the intuitive impression-feeling that you disapproved of yourself?

Could you decide (right now, as best you can) to stop disapproving of yourself?

Then, could you decide (right now, as best you can) to give yourself approval?

Could you DECIDE to do it for no reason?

Don’t do it for anyone else. Do it for yourself. Decide now to approve of yourself.

This constant seeking of happiness OUTSIDE of you is what Buddha was talking about when he said things like, “Attachment to Desire (craving) is the root of all suffering.”

Going even deeper, Buddha’s “Twelve Links of Causation” start off with Ignorance.

Ignorance of what? Ignorance that you are a complete, infinite Being already. (Even if you don’t feel like one, act like one or think like one… what separates you from knowing it is FEELINGS and THOUGHTS… relinquish those and you’re done.)

Giving yourself Approval is a NATIVE ability and it’s only a decision. Everyone can do it.

When you get your own approval back, you can approve of others fully BECAUSE of who they are, not IN SPITE of who they are.

Then, people will gravitate towards you magnetically because they sense intuitively that you ARE closer to your innate being and everyone is trying to get BACK to that state.

But, it all starts with YOU.

If you can feel Superior to someone you can feel Inferior to someone. Both are Ego functions, and they can’t exist separately.

Remember in my post LR: Juggs how I THOUGHT the girl was being bitchy? And, remember how I made the decision to quit being so smart and allow it to be other than what I thought it was…

…and it turned out to be very different?

Well, I’m going to propose that you think about, consider, ponder, contemplate the idea that MOST of the negative experiences (and even NO-GO sets) you’ve had (or imagine having) with women are due to your MISTAKING her Low Self-Approval statements and behaviors for stuff that is consistent with “Your Story.”

It’s actually pretty comical from my new viewpoint.

You put a bunch of people in the room who don’t know how to love themselves… give them a shitload of alcohol, turn up the music so loud you can’t even think (let alone talk) and then you expect them to get together…

… the fact that people DO IT every night across the world is a testament to how compelling and pervasive this need for Approval is.

Anyway, that’s a very SLIGHT and basic groundwork into the newer AA stuff I’ve been working on… this has to be understood before the processes can be taught and have an effect.

What if, instead of asking you to give yourself approval, I had asked you to give yourself some Esteem?

Not quite the same effect is it? Now, imagine developing, describing and constructing exercises to help people “get it” while using bad naming all the way through.

The entire Community’s vocabulary and conceptual framework was built haphazardly over years by guys who didn’t get it… by guys who were still trying to figure it out.

Is it any wonder it’s such a mess?

~ CJ ~

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