Wang Stew

Posted at February 23, 2008

*** I originally wrote this for the Warrior-King Society for the upcoming Feb. issue. ***

This is the story of a normal person. We’ll call him Jimmy.

When Jimmy was a wee little boy his parents would take him to the local Small Town Diner every week. The diner was famous for Chef Bertha’s Wang Stew. Not only would you see the gray bearded locals enjoying a steaming bowl, you’d notice the obvious out of towner shoveling bite after bite into their greedy pie holes.

Pure gluttony in action. But, Wang Stew has that effect on people.

Chef Bertha weighed about 300 lbs and stood nearly 6 feet tall. She rarely showered and always had a nice yellow film on her teeth… but, it didn’t really matter. Everybody loved Chef Bertha’s Wang Stew, especially Jimmy.

Jimmy and his family ate there weekly, like clockwork, until Jimmy (now Jim) went off to college in the Big City. He missed his family of course, but he also missed Wang Stew. None of the Big City diners could come even close to that chunky deliciousness.

Wang Stew gave Jim comfort. Freaking out over an exam? Have some Wang Stew… Rejected for a date? Have some Wang Stew… Irritated about your life? Have some Wang Stew…

He had his momma freeze and ship Wang Stew out to him so he’d have some ready anytime he got beat up in life…

…at every college break he made sure he got back to his home town to get some of Chef Bertha’s Wang Stew.

After college Jim got a nice job back home in Small Town. Almost daily he’d have lunch at the Small Town Diner.

Delicious, delicious, chunky, Wang Stew.

One day as Jim settled down into “his” seat at “his” table the unthinkable happened.

Marge: “Hi Hunny… what’ll you have?”
Jim: “Hi, Marge… the usual… and a cup of decaf.”
Marge: “oh… you didn’t hear? Chef Bertha isn’t here anymore…”
Jim: “What?! Why???”
Marge leans closer… “I’m not supposed to tell you this but…” she looks around, pauses and takes a seat. “Chef Bertha was fired a couple of days ago.”
Jim: “But…why?”
Marge: “Somebody was stealing supplies out of the kitchen so Mr. Jones had a hidden camera installed”
Jim: “Bertha stealing??? C’mon!”
Marge: “no…no… that’s not it…” as she lowers her voice and looks around again.

Jim lifts his eyebrows awaiting an explanation.
Marge: “Oh… I shouldn’t tell you this… but I have to… brace yourself hunny… You know how everybody loved Bertha’s stew… and how she always mentioned a secret ingredient but would never tell anyone the secret… not even Mr. Jones?”
Jim: “Yes… go on.”
Marge: “Well, the video camera… we couldn’t believe it… every morning when Chef Bertha made the stew… just when all the ingredients were in the pot and ready to go… Chef Bertha would pull down her pants… and take a shit in the pot.”

Jim sat there for a second… a blank expression on his face.

Marge nudged him, “You alright, hunny?”

He slammed his hand on the table and said, “Damnit Marge, don’t bother me with the fucking details… just tell me where Chef Bertha works now so I can go get more of that delicious Wang Stew!”

And nowhere is there more Wang Stew than in ‘the Community.’

You’ve got different kinds… some is extra chunky with bold Wang flavor… some has been blended real well so you hardly taste the Wang as it goes down… some of it is almost pure Wang.

I guess it all depends on what kind of Wang Stew you grew up on… but this isn’t about finding a better tasting Wang… it’s about getting the Wang out of your Stew so you can really have that sense of fulfillment, so you can really get that life and lifestyle you want.

Right now I’m still battling the Wang Stew I adopted a long time ago. That Wang Stew says that all the ‘cool people’ at the club are better than me socially… mmmm, can you taste that Wang? It says that I can’t get girls of a certain type… but I can get girls of another type. Nice, chunky Wang.

The thing about Wang is in order for you to eat it, it has to be hidden in some Stew.

This means that Wang is gonna be a floater just below the surface.

You have to open neutral because the group isn’t gonna like you. Wang.

You have to neg because she is higher than you. Wang.

Girls aren’t sexual so you have to pair-bond first. Wang.

Same Night Lays are Fools Mate. Wang.

Only x-guys get girls like that. Wang.

We’re awash in Wang Stew.

You can grab a spoon and dig in… forcing down each bite until you hate your life… or you can say, “No more wang for me, thanks!” and start examining all the harmful presuppositions and root them out…

Which is it gonna be?

~ Captain Jack ~

P.S. With special thanks to the Huna Kumu.

P.P.S. Join me and stop eating Wang Stew.

 

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