Chicago, More Zen Pick-Up and Leonardo DiCaprio
Sunday morning I wake up with a massive headache AND a massive boner.
The headache is from going out with Printer and some of his peeps in Chicago. He called me Wednesday and said he had an extra plane ticket to a convention in chicago at which I might be able to make some direct mail contacts. I don’t have my daughters so I was game.
Saturday night every time I turn around these fuckers are handing me drinks. We ditch the first venue and head to another one but when we get there the line to get in stretches off into the horizon as far as the eye can see. It’s about 12:15 and doing some quick mental calculations we deduce that we ain’t getting in tonight.
Printer considers paying off the door guy to get us all in…but decides not to. But, as we are walking by the patio door he meekly (yes, I used the words Printer and meekly in the same paragraph) walks up to the bouncer and says, “Hey, I’m with clients and I’m trying to show them a good time. Is there any way I can get them in?”
The door guy, feeling the surge of power as he holds the fate of 6 dudes in his hands, puts on his “I’m cool like that” face, gives Printer a wassup hand shake and opens the door. We roll in – for free.
A hot blonde opened me but I got tired of trying to hold a drunk girls attention so I chatted another girl who opened me about my tie. She wasn’t good looking in the face but she was tall and slender and her body was extremely tight and every third sentence out of her mouth was a compliment. So, I focused on her a bit.
Printer and I pulled the cute blonde and her cute brunnette (both with nice boobies) to another club.
I had the blonde as a Target but actually liked the brunnette better and I heard her (the brunnette) tell the cabbie that she had a boyfriend so I told Printer to take the blond and I’d try the brunnette as I’ve had more experience with girls w/ bfs.
The blond’s drunkeness was reaching epic proportions inside this other club and I think I missed (again!) the escalation window for the brunette and our opportunity just fizzled.
I got attacked by a hot girl in the street because she saw me laughing at her boyfriend who was about to get into a fight. All I could do while that skinny girl’s arms and legs were flailing was laugh while trying to fend off her whirlwind of fury and Printer grabbed me and we went down the street to get something to eat.
While we’re waiting for the food I go back outside and she’s there with her boyfriend. They look at me, he says something and I say, “Nobody wants you guys here. Nobody. Leave. You’re not wanted. Go!” as I’m shewing them away with my hands. Being shewed away while someone is yelling “you’re not wanted here” seems to have a great effect. The girl looks hurt as she says, “Don’t shew me!” but they keep walking as the guy is trash talking.
I’m not a violent person at all but I envisioned knocking both of their teeth out with a flying elbow slam to the mouth.
Printer and I both have to piss REAL bad but it’s about 4:30 am and there’s nowhere to pee. We’re laughing our asses off about various things on the cab ride home and get rather giggly so that almost everything makes us laugh.
We hit the elevator and we’re laughing so hard that Printer is about to pee his pants. So, he whips it out and pees in the corner of the elevator. I’m now laughing so hard and *I* have to pee as well and the sound of *him* laughing and peeing in the corner intensifies my desire so much that I feel the first sensation of piss making its way through GIGANTOR. If I don’t whip it out I’m gonna be a grown man who pissed his pants. I’m good at making these types of split decisions. I unzip and let it loose in the elevator.
The relief was amazing.
This is how I imagine that maintenance call going.
Dispatcher: “Um…we need cleanup on elevator 4 please. Make sure you bring gloves, febreeze and a mask. Two drunken retards just peed in the elevator.”
House Keeping: “Repites por favor…did jew say ‘peed in elevator.’”
Dispatcher: “That is correct. Two retards peed in elevator 4.”
That’s been the story of Chicago. Mega hot girls. They open, we talk, the set evaporates before my eyes for seemingly no reason. This new style can be frustrating but new things seem to be happening every time I go out so I’ll ride this out.
———————
Leonardo DiCaprio
———————
So Sunday I take my massive throbbing head down to get something to eat. There’s a little pizza place here in the lobby that is really good.
I feel like death so I send this text to Printer:
“Here’s a big middle finger to everyone who bought me drinks last night – I’m now on a quest for advil or horse tranquilizers – whichever comes first.”
The pizza here is the kind where they pile stuff on. Lots of pepperoni, lots of cheese. I take the first delicious bite of my pizza but don’t bite all the way through the cheese so everything comes off the slice and is dangling from my mouth.
There is now tomato sauce on my soul patch.
I don’t have a napkin handy. Decision time. Do I shove the whole wad of cheese and pepperoni into my mouth and chew on it for five minutes or do I bite down and pull on the wad of cheese until it separates?
As I’m contemplating this I glance up and there’s a hot blonde milf giving me the *fuck me eyes.* She is ultra-elegant, wearing one of those lady suits professional women wear. Every hair on her head is immaculate and her jewelry shines.
I bite through the cheese and it drops back on the plate. When I look back up the two dudes (also in suits) are staring as well. I smile again and notice the woman’s mouth is moving while she’s looking at me.
CJ: “What?”
MILF: “You look like Leanardo DiCaprio…I’m sure you’ve heard that before.”
CJ: “Oh yeah, all the time.” *I’ve never heard that before in my life, every 2-3 months I’ll get Mark Wahlberg but never Leanardo.*
I continue enjoying my delicious pizza. As they’re leaving she is fucking me again with her eyes.
MILF: “Actually, you’re MUCH BETTER looking than Leanardo” as she’s smiling and walking off.
CJ: “Thanks.”
I spent the rest of my meal contemplating the optimum move for those types of situations.
~ Captain Jack ~
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From now on, you shall be called, “Leo Pole #2″
How bout,”You look like Leonardo’s love interest in his next movie”
your posts are inspiring and also a hell of a good laugh
love them.
Why didn’t you spit in her face for brazenly lying to you like that?
It was the alpha thing to do and you missed the escalation window on that as well.
It’s OK, though, because I know your spit game isn’t yet as solid as mine.
I’ll go with the Mark Wahlberg connection though.
Not the Marky Mark Calvin Klein modeling days, but the middle-aged comb over cop he played opposite Leonardo in The Departed.
Yeah, I’ll give you that…
WTF?
Dawg you don’t look anything like Dicaprio… That was her lame attempt at saying, “take me to bed or lose me forever!”
At anyrate…
JS has the right answer on this one. LOL