Lay Report: The One

Posted at August 2, 2007

My heart is racing.

Every other girl in the club disappears. I lock my eyes squarely on her Goddess Like figure. I little brunnette with a perfect body. Beautiful firm breasts. A flat stomcach. Long hair. Brown eyes.

She is Athena, Aphrodite and Jessica Alba all rolled into one.

I feel myself slipping into the warm embrace of infatuation as my brain commands my glands to secrete Norepinephrine, Dopamine and Serotonin.

She looks at me with those Bambi brown eyes, smiles and says: “One dollar.”

I’m frozen like a deer in the headlights and say nothing for about 5-10 seconds. She’s looking at me like I just asked her to explain Relativity Theory. The Bouncer looks at me funny and starts talking into his fake Secret Service microphone clipped on his lapel complete with attached ear piece.

I take my Michelob Ultra, hand her two dollars and scurry off.

Time for some Patron. The interesting thing about Patron is you can tell when it hits you. I get sort of numb on the surface of my skin. I get very blunt.

Twitchy comes to talk to me. He does a shot of Tuaca and I do a shot of Patron. He’s gaming this Asian tease. Sinn and Future have opened a few sets but I haven’t done shit because I’m still pissed that I’m not asleep.

Back up an an hour and a half ago…

There I was at the Pirate Pad sleeping like a baby who had just sucked his momma’s breast dry when Sinn calls from the club. It’s White Girl Wednesday at this place and we’ve pulled almost every time we’ve been there.

I fake like I’m awake but that shit never works. People always know you were just sleeping no matter how coherent and awake you think you sound.

I hop in the shower, get dressed and roll – whining about how good it felt to be in my bed.

So, I’m scoping for a set to get warmed up in. It’s a good night. Quality is high.

Sinn has been gaming this weird girl from a “Girl Group” we got in good with a while ago (I already got one of them see “LR: Tastes Like Snot”).

He comes over and this is the conversation as I remember it:

Sinn: “It’s on with HB but I don’t want to do her tonight because I want another Same Night Lay.”
CJ: * Looking dumbfounded *
Sinn: * Looking at me like ‘What did I say to make you look at me like that?’ *
CJ: “If I didn’t have two beers in my hand right now I’d slap you. She’s fucking hot!”

After he finished laughing his ass off he rolled back over to her…

He waves me in to occupy the obstacle. I go in. I immediately think “More Patron please.” When most guys refer to The One they are talking about the perfect hb. When I refer to the one I’m talking about this girl…and “The One” is her rating on a scale from 1 to 10. (One being the lowest.)

The second shot of patron hits. I’m thinking, “Well, at least she’s not fat.”

I have two Michelob Ultra’s…one in each hand…both of them get downed. After a few more minutes I’m thinking, “Well, she doesn’t stink.”

Two of Printer’s female friends pull me away. “We’re saving you.”

CJ: “Umm…I’m winging for Sinn.”
Printers Friend: “Does he need your help?”
CJ: “Umm…For a little longer I think.”

I go back in and do Strawberry fields.

Ex deleted my phone numbers.

She lifts her arm to play with the back of her hair. I notice two to three days of underarm stubble.

I turn to the bartender. “Patron and another Ultra!”

She’s up to a 4 now but I’m suddenly surrounded by hb10’s. I have an internal battle ditch the 1 (Patron4) and hit on the PatronHB10s (HB6-7s). I consider it but realize that any girl with viable options at this point is not going to understand Drunk dialect.

We pull back to Sinn’s pad. I can’t feel the surface of my skin. I know the wind is blowing on me but I can’t feel it. I look at the moon and think it looks awesome! Then the mental clouds roll in and I pass out.

After coming to we’re at a stoplight and some girl in a drop-top Saab asks us if we have any alcohol. She follows. Huge breasts. Sinn mentions cardboard conductor hats (run a train).

We get in and I take The One to the bathroom. I can’t come. I put her on the floor but it’s hurting my knees. When I put her back on the counter facing the mirror to do doggystyle I look and notice she has a really hairy back. I look closer and realize it’s not HER hair. It’s Sinn’s fucking pubes covering her back. I momentarily go soft…I use her shirt to wipe them off.

I’m not coming so we go into the living room. Sinn is threatening the Saab girl because she’s psycho. She basically stated in so many words that she wanted to be gang raped but we are not down with Jail so we took a pass on that one.

She is trying to leave but she’s so drunk nobody with a conscience can bring themselves to let her leave. Future and Sinn are cracking me up with their one liners about the situation.

Why did I bang a one? Good question. It was weird because while I was not really turned on, I was not really turned off either. It was as if I was on auto-pilot. I was just doing what I do.

This made me think about why Naturals have a rep for closing hot girls AND nasty girls. It’s not that they WANT to bang the nasty girls its that its an auto-pilot behavior and if they don’t stop it then it runs its full course.

What’s even stranger is I truly don’t give a shit. I fucked a one.

Whatever.

~ Captain Jack ~

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Lay Report, SNL, Sexual Framing

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